Saturday, February 27, 2010

j-dubk-doggberryblazeCa$hpeachmaxkelcates

I miss those moments
the ones that made me feel like forever

miss those people, too.

Never thought I would, but I do.

And I can watch them replay over and over

but they are never coming back.

wish I'd known then

(but would it really have made a difference?)

as i hate to know now

that things would never be the (s)ame.


(RIPXC05-09)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

my was and i

my was and i

conversed at length.

he could not see me well

, hear me not at all.

i laughed at him

: strutfully he would vainglorious

but cry beneath the de(con)ceit.


rock-a-bye, i(feeling pity)told my was, :

pride and cried and greed are gone.

i laughed again

it

was

what

he

needed.


my was and i then looked

at my will

standing tall.

stronger than the two of us(me)

(i hoped, anyway),

w(i)e liked what we saw.

--i. pity d. fool

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Why it doesn't ADD up:


It was nice of them to provide me with a scapegoat. A goat that would let me 'scape'; ride on its back to a rich pasture of understanding and freedom from responsibility. Once it was a disorder. Now it is a deficit. But before all that-- before I became wary of the double D cleavage of identity shrouding titles -- there was that one word to make it all worthwhile. The word that allowed me to procrastinate, receive a litany of praise for the smallest of tasks accomplished. ATTENTION!

No really. That’s it. That's the word.

ATTENTION: this girl is different. ATTENTION: this girl has magical powers.

Everyone loves attention. It's much better than obsessive or depressed. Attention is up there with acronyms and personalized key chains on the hierarchy of American favorites. When snarled from a French nose/mouth it sounds like a dragster racing past the Doppler effect. When belted in two syllables from a sergeant it warrants a sharp click of the heels and a snappy salute. On a road sign it makes you alert. Attention is every child's currency.

Unfortunately, somewhere between that memorable trip to the Rite-Aid pharmacy and this paper I am supposed to be writing, the exchange rate of Attention plummeted; back at the farm, the scapegoat of liberty has aimlessly wandered off and left a crater of confusion for the penniless, excuseless product of outward-appraisal to amend.

"Pay attention!"

"Sorry, I'm out. Do you take credit?"

So here I am, holding all the cards. The problem is, no one takes cards here. "Ca$h or checks, por favor." Don't speak much Spanglish, but it doesn't take a genius to realize the implication. Don’t use our coinage, don't speak our language-- sorry amiga, there's no place for you here in Spain, Mexico, or for that matter, any other country that operates under the legal tender system of "reality".

Checks then, is what it comes down to. Reality checks. Lot's of them.

Like I said, it was nice of them/you (docfamfriends) to give me that goat. If we were in Africa or some country where college educations are not the status quo and they would gladly accept a goat in exchange for my ability to function, this whole Attention and escape thing would be a dandy peach. But that damn goat bucked me off one day in between pills and no pills, and now I'm stuck walking like everyone else. Only no one ever taught me how--

(so its more like a crawl)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Belated St. Valentine


dumpster of decay
how could it come to this?
Discarded beauty has no
mon-e-ta-ry
value any more.

So beauty is measured in bills
and (oh no!) we used the (un) barter system;
made a conversion

stealthy speak
latch lift
dumpster dive
rose recall

loaded up by the dozen,
we are surrounded by an excess of perfection

and it is ours to share.

(That was the night--
the night we became the flowering transcendent)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

the blah-blah sisterhood

It was really good talking (having you listen)
t(w)o you (me)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Ma'am, can you give me a word that rhymes with "mentality"?

I wish I could scribe things that made sense
(sensicality)
A flight of the incomprehensible undefined
(mentality)
Look at contradictions-- chubby stringy
(physicality)
Plagued by an unseen undiscovered
(malady)
New kicks new dreams, we stand upon
(formality)
Its a race its a chase to prove
(congeniality)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It is a curious feeling-- the realization that you are surrounded,
yet utterly. alone.

and the things you once found familiar
you now find distant, strange, unwelcoming.

that the friends that are always around
are really just that.

always around.
nothing more

than the convenience of context.

it is curious.

curious and liberating loneliness.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Devol Eb Ot


You're not God, but you'll do.
I cant afford to risk the vulnerability of unconditional love
or let go of my feelings of inadequacy,
but I'm sure you can give me the illusion
of fulfillment.
I'm too chicken to get to know you,
but I'll gladly idolize everything you could be
for me.
You can't be my all,
but I'm "happy" to treat you as if.
You don't even know I exist,
but I willingly give you all of my existence.

You're not God, but you'll do.

(or so I thought.)

Monday, February 1, 2010

"Oh friends of my loneliness and exile: God has willed that I must drink the bitter cup of life. His will be done. We are naught but frail atoms in the heaven of the infinite; and we cannot but obey and surrender to the will of Providence. If we love, our love is neither from us, nor is it for us. If we suffer, our pain lies not in our wounds, but in the very heart of Nature. I do not complain, as i tell this take; for he who complains doubts Life, and i am a firm believer. I believe in the worth of the bitterness mingled in each potion that I drink from the cup of Life. I believe in the beauty of the sorrow that penetrates my heart. I believe in the ultimate mercy of these steel fingers that crush my soul.
This is my story. How can I end it, when in truth it has no ending?"

Kahlil Gibran-- The Voice of the Master

Kahlil is the most beautiful soul-mind in all of existence.