I never should have attempted those hurdles...

I am a slave to adversity. Used to always say "I didn't ask for this to happen" but yeah, actually, I kind of really did. Because sometimes it seems like artificial trials are the only way I can catalyze myself to action. If light can't be seen without knowing the darkness, then good things must be made evident at the expense of suffering. "Life is pain; Anyone who says differently is selling something." Oh my sweet Wesley, what have I done?

We become privy to this Karma exchange at a young age. "Eat your veggies! Then you can have dessert." "Do your homework! Then you can play." Need I remind you that the prince only becomes interested in the princess when she's trapped in a mile-high tower surrounded by treachery and dragons?

What does it say about me that I will deliberately place obstacles in my path just to attain that short-lived feeling of accomplishment when I stumble over them? I swear my most effective moments are on that third day without medication the week before finals with a broken cell phone and nothing to eat. Any tasks completed under such conditions become feats against all odds. For those precious few seconds I feel like superwoman minus the latex and with a really bad case of ADHD. Something inside of me longs to be the underdog victorious. I love that story. America loves that story. The single mom with cancer who starts a non-profit. The disabled kid who runs a marathon. The ugly dog that saves an entire family from the depths of an abandoned well. Thanks Lassie.

Just tell me this: why am I so afraid to let joy stand on its own? I was not called to live a tragedy. I don't believe any of us were. So something needs to change.

Tell me: what does it look like to change a masochistic pattern of self destruction that I happen to equate with success? With growth? With living?

I know so well what joy looks like. I am filled with it. And yet there is still a voice that whispers "mmmm, yeah, you haven't quite jumped enough hurdles to deserve this yet. Hop to!" (Not really with words, of course. All of these dialogues go unnoticed, which is part of the issue.)

Please. What would it look like to accept this undeserved grace?