Here and Now

Pause.

now.

Do it.

breathe in.
breath out.

for one moment, inhale no past.
for one second, exhale no future.

there is no pain, no suffering, no confusion, no regret, no guilt, no anxiety, no burdens, no fears.

it is only a moment.


But it is enough for Now.

(and now is all you have.)

i can see (ode to my brother)

when the universe expands before me
and engulfs the night sky
like skrink-wrap
;
when 6.1 billion points of light
like snowflakes told to stand still a minute
and set on slow spin-dry
gently whirl above me
;
when a black disc
its crescent edge burning white
arcs lazily overhead and out of reach
:
how is it that i
one (1) person
this mountain under me
some air above me
a star-strewn abyss
beyond me
am not alone
?
how about this:
reality
is much, much more
than what i can see.

and were i to peel back the sky
(not with my hands of course)
and were i to see past the stars
(not with my eyes of course)
i feel i would see. . . . .you.


peekaboo.

i.pity.d.fool

This is for Carmen to read.

"so tell me when you hear my heart stop
you're the only one that knows
tell me when you hear my silence
there's a possiblility I wouldn't know"

hypothetical dial-tone

Thought about drunk calling you tonight.
Took a while longer than it should have to realize

"I'm not drunk."

But for a seccond-

(or maybe a little longer than that)

I thought it might be nice to expel the contents of this box

without worrying about sorting the contents

(or cleaning up the mess)

I've heard when you're drunk its ok to do that

(so I guess I just wont call)

choosing a new reality.

Popped 60 mils
of those
rattle-shakin pills

wish I hadn't now,
but they all say
they'll help

just wish I knew
who "they" was-
be it high-dose meds or
well-meaning friends

Feel them cling to my
throat and emotions
like amoebas (or whatever)

and if I jump
I'll sound like
a goddamn
maraca.

Will you join my medicated band?

Tomorrow's the 90's and we'll really make it
shake.

"Look at the sun. It's beautiful."

Why do you try so hard to ruin things for me?
Rude awakening.
Beg to differ.

No no. The sun is not beautiful at all.
It just illuminates the true beauty around us.

The brilliance of footprints in snow-- that is beautiful.
The cry of the wind on a mountain-- that is beautiful.
The taste of dried mangos after an uphill trek-- that is beautiful.
A shared journal of thoughts-- that is beautiful.
A Chimacum Cheeseburger with Rootbeer and fries-- that is beautiful.
Standing on top of the world-- that is beautiful.

Sharing it all with an unconditional friend-- that is the most beautiful of all.

But you wouldn't know about that now, would you?

Don't tell me what is beautiful. I can see it for myself.

"If you were waiting for the opportune moment-- that was it."

No matter how many expectations they hold of you;
you are not your yesterdays.
(disrupt their false perception)
Despite all of their future hopes;
you are not your tomorrows.
(dash their selfish dreams)
Let th(it)em all go;
you are only your todays.
(so begins the history of forever)

It's not the worst I've looked...It's just the most I've ever cared

We`ll always be together, however far it seems.

(love never ends)
We`ll always be together.
Together in electric dreams.

Because the friendship that you gave has taught me to be brave.
No matter where I go i’ll never find a better prize.
(find a better prize)
Though you’re miles and miles away,
I see you every day
I don’t have to try
I just close my eyes,
I close my eyes.

-Lali Puna

Final Women's Studies Reflection

Who am I?

After ten weeks (and 19 years) of pondering, it is my most sincere hope that I will never be able to answer this question with finality. By answering, I become stagnant; limit myself to the whims, dogmas, and fanciful views of a current paradigm. But that is incomplete. Who I am is not definitive, it is not singular, and it is not without fluidity. I am constantly changing, I am we, I am you, I am me, I am now, I am then, I am here, I am there, I am up, I am down, I am, I am not. All of these things are (were, will always be) true. And as long as I am asking this question, I am alive.

Where am I going?

Before, I needed to go where I wanted. Now, I want to go where I am needed. This summer, I have the opportunity to experience Uganda. But I do not see myself as going there so much as I see it coming to me. I am going wherever I am needed, and the more I acknowledge this, the more needs seem to come to me. I am going where there is injustice. To all the places I would not want to be from. I am sometimes going here; I am sometimes going elsewhere. But regardless, I am going. The where will reveal itself upon arrival.

Women's studies and my vocation:

…are inseparable. I want to live helping women. I want to create a shelter, a haven, an oasis for women who have been battered by life, bruised by its participants, and torn by the shame of their scars. I want to travel to the forgotten corners of the world and be constantly reminded that I know nothing of pain. I want to teach women and men to find common ground in their individuality. I want to have a job where at the end of the day, I am rewarded with smiles, joy and incomparable unity.

They

I think They knew.

Saw the glances

caught the nod

heard the rhetorical questions posed.

I think They knew something that I do not.

And I think They scared me,

because I haven't been the same

since

They was here.

another reason english sucks.

It happened, today.

The explanation came into existence.

The definition was revealed to a feeling I have long toiled to articulate.

And in Portuguese, no less.

Saudade.

"Saudade, my friend...the presence of absence"

I am not a crazy person.

And it may be so

that i act like a crazy person

in every way

But it was never your role to affirm it.

I want to punch your trailing

"Okaaayy..."'s

Curb stomp your quizzically judging looks

gouge out your uncomfortable eye-shifts

stab the lungs that exhale an air of

superiority.

Tired of falling into your boxes.

How could i have wanted to impress you?

i will take my score and tear it to pieces

just like every other bullshit report card

i've ever regretfully read.